I figure I've probably been embittered by some of the people I've played with, so I decided to immortalize them in prose for the edification of the masses:
The Chaotic Neutral Drunk - By the end of the night, he will shoot someone in the chest with his crossbow, for no particular reason. He won't remember doing that the next morning, and will argue bitterly over why his character is tied to a tree outside of town, naked and covered in honey.
The "I'll Pay Attention if it Involves My Character Hopping in Bed With an NPC" Guy - Will devote hours of role-playing (if allowed to) to the purposes of getting barmaids into his room, and wants details of everything that happens therein. Has tendency to outrageously flirt with Queens, the Lady of Pain, and female drow.
Bob, Player of Bob - Character name is either same as player name, or name is taken from whatever movie the player has seen last (Hi, this is Maximus). There is no such thing as this player being out of character, because the character sounds and acts the exact same as the player does normally.
The Campaign Must Revolve Around Me While I Do Something Inane - Plays a female drow who wears a lot of body makeup so she can work as a stripper and prostitute in human towns. Thinks that combat should consist of repeatedly luring NPCs into compromising positions, and killing them in mid-coitus. Plays alternate character who is a sexually deviant gnome that spends all of his time trying to convince dwarves to worship Corellon Larethian.
The CN Rogue - Immediately starts picking the pockets of fellow players. Never gives anything back. Never gets invited back to the table and can't understand why.
Oblivious Man - Begins every action by handing his character sheet to another player and saying, "Tell me if I can do something." His response to getting hit is always, "Oh, can't I dodge that or something? I have the Dodge skill or something, I think." His catch phrase is, "Let me borrow a Player's Handbook. (staring blankly at random page of PH) Never mind, I'll just wait and see what happens.
The CE Fighter - Kills the first PC to disagree with him about anything. When the rest of the party gangs up on him and kills him, he bursts into tears and whines that he was "just playing his alignment." The room then gets to witness a 27 year old man running from the room weeping and saying, "I don't want to play with you guys any more!"
The Wizard With No Sense of Responsibility - "I cast Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on the Fighther as he meditates over his parents' grave because he seems so grim." Never pays attention to where he casts fireball. Uses Dominate Person on other players to make them sing songs about bestiality in town square while smearing themselves with horse dung (I've always loved the feel of a nice young sheeeeeep... SQUISH).
Silent Bob - Silent Bob sits in the corner and doesn't say anything or do anything. When you tell the party to roll initiative, he doesn't. When you address him directly, he says, "I don't know," then goes back to being quiet. He doesn't mark down ANYTHING on his character sheet. He attends a few games, resists all attempts to get him to actually play, then stops coming because he's "bored."
Kenny - Isn't happy if he hasn't gone through three characters at the end of the night. Character one stands on the roof of the inn during an electrical storm, waving an iron rod over his head and screaming bizarre insults directed at the god of storms for no particular reason. Character two goes around town attempting to French kiss city guardsmen and particularly tough looking warriors of the same gender. Character three attempts to wipe his butt on other characters during his watch.
Test Pilot For the DM's Homebrew Nightmare Classes - Refuses to take watches, assist in fights, or do anything else constructive. Insults other PC's freely. When someobody talks back to him, he rolls a few dice, whispers something to the DM, and the DM says, "Okay, you're character is dead. Roll up a new one." If something kicks the butt of the entire party, TP rolls a few dice, whispers something to the DM, and the DM says, "Okay, TP cuts the dragon's head off with a butterknife, slam dunks it, and takes all the treasure for himself since you guys couldn't keep up."
Constantly Crying Because He Doesn't Understand the Rules - Stands inside the threat range of someone with a halberd and tries to fight the halberdier with a crossbow. "This sucks! He get's an attack of opportunity on me for everything I do! I hate Third Edition! You suck as a DM!"
The Stereotype - Plays a monk named Kane who calls everyone "grasshopper." Plays a gnome with a helium balloon voice named Norm who wants to get the Gnome Artificer PrC to make "vibrating personal massagers" with. Plays a drow ranger named Tzzrid Do'Urden.
The Wargamer - Says, "Wake me up when we get into a fight," then proceeds to actually take a nap right on the table. Wakes up cranky.
And now for the DM examples:
Death by Secret House Rules - Has everyone in the party make saving throws vs. poison or die. When asked why the party needed to make saving throws, he says, "Because noone in the party has gone to the bathroom in two weeks."
The Mid-Combat Rules Adjuster - Hasn't read the rules for 3E combat, but assured everyone he knew what he was doing as a DM. Changes flanking rules in mid-combat because he doesn't like them. Changes AoO rules in mid-combat because he doesn't understand them. Turns the sneak attack ability of rogues into the 2E backstab ability because he doesn't think rogues should be able to stand up to fighters.
The Killer Absurdist - Pits a party of first level characters against an Iron Golem. The stats for the Iron Golem change about 50 times over the course of the combat. When only one person in the party is still standing, that player gets a "lucky hit" that kills the golem. Now, however, the secret nature of the golem was revealed. It was a giant, animated pinata, and the character who slew it must now take 10d6 points of crushing damage from a tidal wave of individually wrapped caramels.
The Bastard Offspring of Monty Haul and Deus Ex Machina - Gives the entire party +5 weapons and armor at first level, which doesn't matter because everything in the world is too powerful for you to kill. So, you get your butt kicked until his NPC Half-Fiend Drow Assassin and the Assassin's pet Red Dragon show up to save you, for which you get a bazillion experience points despite the fact that you did nothing but beg for mercy. If you actually manage to outsmart a monster enough to kill it without assistance, the DM gets mad and sends Asmodeus after you. Kicks you out of the party if you complain about the nonsense.
El Diablo - You walk through miles of featureless tunnels, finding room after room of monsters who are apparently doing nothing except standing around waiting for adventurers to show up. "You see a room full of minotaurs. They attack. You see a room full of Umber Hulks. They attack. You see a room full of Cloakers. They attack."
The Chaotic Neutral Drunk - By the end of the night, he will shoot someone in the chest with his crossbow, for no particular reason. He won't remember doing that the next morning, and will argue bitterly over why his character is tied to a tree outside of town, naked and covered in honey.
The "I'll Pay Attention if it Involves My Character Hopping in Bed With an NPC" Guy - Will devote hours of role-playing (if allowed to) to the purposes of getting barmaids into his room, and wants details of everything that happens therein. Has tendency to outrageously flirt with Queens, the Lady of Pain, and female drow.
Bob, Player of Bob - Character name is either same as player name, or name is taken from whatever movie the player has seen last (Hi, this is Maximus). There is no such thing as this player being out of character, because the character sounds and acts the exact same as the player does normally.
The Campaign Must Revolve Around Me While I Do Something Inane - Plays a female drow who wears a lot of body makeup so she can work as a stripper and prostitute in human towns. Thinks that combat should consist of repeatedly luring NPCs into compromising positions, and killing them in mid-coitus. Plays alternate character who is a sexually deviant gnome that spends all of his time trying to convince dwarves to worship Corellon Larethian.
The CN Rogue - Immediately starts picking the pockets of fellow players. Never gives anything back. Never gets invited back to the table and can't understand why.
Oblivious Man - Begins every action by handing his character sheet to another player and saying, "Tell me if I can do something." His response to getting hit is always, "Oh, can't I dodge that or something? I have the Dodge skill or something, I think." His catch phrase is, "Let me borrow a Player's Handbook. (staring blankly at random page of PH) Never mind, I'll just wait and see what happens.
The CE Fighter - Kills the first PC to disagree with him about anything. When the rest of the party gangs up on him and kills him, he bursts into tears and whines that he was "just playing his alignment." The room then gets to witness a 27 year old man running from the room weeping and saying, "I don't want to play with you guys any more!"
The Wizard With No Sense of Responsibility - "I cast Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Laughter on the Fighther as he meditates over his parents' grave because he seems so grim." Never pays attention to where he casts fireball. Uses Dominate Person on other players to make them sing songs about bestiality in town square while smearing themselves with horse dung (I've always loved the feel of a nice young sheeeeeep... SQUISH).
Silent Bob - Silent Bob sits in the corner and doesn't say anything or do anything. When you tell the party to roll initiative, he doesn't. When you address him directly, he says, "I don't know," then goes back to being quiet. He doesn't mark down ANYTHING on his character sheet. He attends a few games, resists all attempts to get him to actually play, then stops coming because he's "bored."
Kenny - Isn't happy if he hasn't gone through three characters at the end of the night. Character one stands on the roof of the inn during an electrical storm, waving an iron rod over his head and screaming bizarre insults directed at the god of storms for no particular reason. Character two goes around town attempting to French kiss city guardsmen and particularly tough looking warriors of the same gender. Character three attempts to wipe his butt on other characters during his watch.
Test Pilot For the DM's Homebrew Nightmare Classes - Refuses to take watches, assist in fights, or do anything else constructive. Insults other PC's freely. When someobody talks back to him, he rolls a few dice, whispers something to the DM, and the DM says, "Okay, you're character is dead. Roll up a new one." If something kicks the butt of the entire party, TP rolls a few dice, whispers something to the DM, and the DM says, "Okay, TP cuts the dragon's head off with a butterknife, slam dunks it, and takes all the treasure for himself since you guys couldn't keep up."
Constantly Crying Because He Doesn't Understand the Rules - Stands inside the threat range of someone with a halberd and tries to fight the halberdier with a crossbow. "This sucks! He get's an attack of opportunity on me for everything I do! I hate Third Edition! You suck as a DM!"
The Stereotype - Plays a monk named Kane who calls everyone "grasshopper." Plays a gnome with a helium balloon voice named Norm who wants to get the Gnome Artificer PrC to make "vibrating personal massagers" with. Plays a drow ranger named Tzzrid Do'Urden.
The Wargamer - Says, "Wake me up when we get into a fight," then proceeds to actually take a nap right on the table. Wakes up cranky.
And now for the DM examples:
Death by Secret House Rules - Has everyone in the party make saving throws vs. poison or die. When asked why the party needed to make saving throws, he says, "Because noone in the party has gone to the bathroom in two weeks."
The Mid-Combat Rules Adjuster - Hasn't read the rules for 3E combat, but assured everyone he knew what he was doing as a DM. Changes flanking rules in mid-combat because he doesn't like them. Changes AoO rules in mid-combat because he doesn't understand them. Turns the sneak attack ability of rogues into the 2E backstab ability because he doesn't think rogues should be able to stand up to fighters.
The Killer Absurdist - Pits a party of first level characters against an Iron Golem. The stats for the Iron Golem change about 50 times over the course of the combat. When only one person in the party is still standing, that player gets a "lucky hit" that kills the golem. Now, however, the secret nature of the golem was revealed. It was a giant, animated pinata, and the character who slew it must now take 10d6 points of crushing damage from a tidal wave of individually wrapped caramels.
The Bastard Offspring of Monty Haul and Deus Ex Machina - Gives the entire party +5 weapons and armor at first level, which doesn't matter because everything in the world is too powerful for you to kill. So, you get your butt kicked until his NPC Half-Fiend Drow Assassin and the Assassin's pet Red Dragon show up to save you, for which you get a bazillion experience points despite the fact that you did nothing but beg for mercy. If you actually manage to outsmart a monster enough to kill it without assistance, the DM gets mad and sends Asmodeus after you. Kicks you out of the party if you complain about the nonsense.
El Diablo - You walk through miles of featureless tunnels, finding room after room of monsters who are apparently doing nothing except standing around waiting for adventurers to show up. "You see a room full of minotaurs. They attack. You see a room full of Umber Hulks. They attack. You see a room full of Cloakers. They attack."
